Life Banter

Last month I ventured halfway around the world to attend a friend’s wedding in Italy and generally escape what has so far been a terrifically cold Melbourne winter. As discussed on the show recently, whilst I was fortunate enough to be at Melbourne International Airport – to be departing for warmer climes – I was also very unfortunate to be at Melbourne International Airport.

Let’s put it on the table now – the airport it going through an upgrade – therefore until complete the airport will have limitations. How poorly these limitations are, regardless of any ongoing works reflects badly on Melbourne as a budding international city of almost 4 million inhabitants.

At present Melbourne International Airport could be considered poor if it were titled Mildura International Airport. At least in Mildura there is likely to be a shop selling fresh orange juice.

Having spent most of the past 6 years living internationally, I have only ever passed through Melbourne Airport on infrequent trips back home. The problem with infrequent travel is that your forget some of the details that are important of the place you visited just a little too long ago to recall whether there is anything more than a crappy sandwich bar once you have passed through the gates.

As Bids pointed out on The Banter – the domestic terminal is brilliant in terms of the culinary options available and this is partly due to the fact that you are generally free to roam around right up until your flight is ready for boarding.

The international side of things is very much different. One you pass through the gates, there is no going back. We all know this as a standard rule; however some extra signage wouldn’t go astray. A simple warning sign alerting the traveller to the fact that if you wanted to eat before boarding your 23 hour flight it’s probably best to do so now. Eat before having your expensive bottle of eau du cologne taken from your possession for being 20ml the wrong side of 100. Eat before being x-rayed to see what is on your person yet still have a random person feel you up. And eat before finally having a random explosives test carried out on you.

All this just for the privilege of sitting in a seat for the next 23 hours that for anyone standing over 6 feet at best could be described as tight and at worst require and appointment with an orthopaedic surgeon to talk about the knee replacement you will require after your flight.

How can Melbourne International Airport offer one solitary cafe in its departure lounge with poor choices at expensive prices?

However the biggest joke is the claims of Melbourne Airport that it is a world-class shopping destination.

On our return to Melbourne, nothing improved. The constant queuing that is required to leave the airport is a real welcome to any international guests coming to Australia for a visit. It’s embarrassing.

If you feel inclined you to buy duty-free you will queue. There is a card to complete for all passengers to distract you from the passport queue. Then having had this card checked 100 meters behind at passport control another person checks it to enter a tiny claustrophobic baggage hall, the result another queue forms. You are then directed through a thin passage – forming a queue – to reach the baggage carousel. After collecting your bags another queue is needed to be shuffled to the correct customs gate. At this point I overheard a British passenger say “This is the worst airport in the world”, its hard not to agree. If you have items to declare you will queue again.

Is there any chance of a rail line to the airport Premier?  Not likely. If you are getting a taxi you will queue, if you have friends of family meeting you, there is a queue at the car park auto-pay station. A 23 hour journey has just become 25 and you have been in the country for 2 hours.

So remember treat Melbourne Airport as if you have never been to another airport in the world and you will probably be surprised at all its comforts and orderly nature. Just close your eyes and don’t look at the clock when you get to your destination as you might realise that perhaps Australia isn’t the best at everything.

Its not often I have a sit down restaurant lunch during the working day, however it was cold, rainy and miserable in Melbourne and the warmth of a restaurant meal appealed more than sushi or a sandwich then back to the office. When you choose an unfamiliar restaurant you don't always know the details of what the food will be like.

On this occasion the company was good so there were no real issues with the 45 minute wait for our food to arrive. It wasn't until about the 35th minute that we noticed the length of time we had been building out appetite. The size of the establishment wasn't massive, we weren't in a school food hall. The little cafe of choice sat a mere 10-12 people tops.

I chose the burger, salad and chips and Bids ordered a chicken salad. In terms of expected cooking time, it immediately screams a 10-15 minute to turn around and serve. That would be a solid effort when you consider that the local fish and chip shop on a Friday night manages to do a burger amongst 30 other orders in about 10 minutes.

As Australians continue to learn on Mastershef night after night, preparation is the key. Considering that the only "cooking" of our order as such was the chicken for the salad, the burger meat and my chips this should have been a piece of cake.

Let's just jump forward to the meal arriving, as whilst I had 45 minutes to wait for the food I am sure you don't have that time to waste on reading cooking tips when you have your 30 minutes of George, Matt and Gary to watch this evening.

Utter disappointment is the most appropriate word to describe my feelings when finally, my meal of burger, salad and crisps arrived. I had obviously misread the menu and believed I would be getting hot chips as a side. Instead I got a handful - barely half a packet of the smallest packet.The kind of small packet from one of those mega packs that Mum's get to throw in the school lunch over the course of the week.

There is no real lesson here other than read the menu properly before ordering, or just stick to the Fish n' Chip shop burgers where you know your minimum serve chips with your burger will be on its way to your stomach within 15 minutes of ordering.

And another thing....

Ordering coffee at many of Melbourne's cafe's is a key part of many people's day. Finding a barista that you like, has good banter, knows your name and your order and or course most importantly makes good coffee is high in determining if your work location is a good one or not.

So for the baristas out there that often only get one opportunity to make it happen for a customer, consider the following as a guide to winning a chance at repeat business in the future. So here are a couple of early tips - there will no doubt be more to come.

1. If making a coffee to go - make it that little bit hotter - as often you are moving somewhere before sitting down to drink. I know there are anal people out there that are worried about burning the milk, but if all you do most of the day is make coffee, then you should be able to make it hot enough to not burn, but to be warmer than room temperature five minutes later.

2. When I have my coffee to dine in and order before someone else orders a coffee to go - then do as a queue was designed for - serve people in order, or in English give me my coffee first. Too many baristas obviously don't love the pressure of people standing around the till waiting for their coffee. Bad luck, why should I wait just because I am choosing to sit down. When I do order take away I am more than happy to wait - just make sure the coffee is the right temperature.